|Yay for cross-posting!
||[Nov. 17th, 2003|04:53 pm]
|||||Weezer- Dope Nose||]|
My head hurts so badly. But, I've been trying to sleep for almost an hour, and it's not working! It's going to be a migraine, in about an hour, I can tell, but my mom is insisting that I take my sisters and brother to see Brother Bear, even though I really had no desire whatsoever to see that moive.
Just when you think life is getting better, you get a migraine and are subjected to 2 hours of Disney.
In anycase, I'm not bitchy anymore, really. Antisocial and depressed, yes, but not bitchy. It took too much energy.
Brian deleted his journal. I wonder why. I forgot to ask him about it today, but I doubt I would have had I remembered. Just because we got along pretty well in Ohio doesn't mean things are gonna be peachy fucking keen here at home right away. Although I didn't expect that we'd kill eachother, I didn't expect that I'd be giving him a ride home from the airport either, even if I did offer.
I guess people can surprise you.
I'm sick of being a senior. I don't want to grow up. I wish sometimes that I was a junior, or even a sophmore again. Life wasn't easier, really, but it was simpler. My problems weren't major, and I had time to fix my mistakes. But no, I'm slowly realising, for the third time this year, that I am probably not going to graduate.
Oh well. More fun at lunch next year, right?
In anycase, today I really missed Alistair. It was the perfect kind of day to talk to him, but he's gone now. He's on the other side of the NE heights.
So painfully far away, when you think about it.
Max is sitting in my lap. He's so cute. He missed me. So did Juliet. They are acting all cuddly and wonderful and icky.
Tomorrow they'll be mad at me for leaving and won't come anywhere near me.
School is boring. I really wonder sometimes why I've stayed at all. I came to the following conclusions about why exactly I am still in high school.
I came for Will
I stayed for Joey
I stayed for Brian
Brian and I broke up
I stayed because I had nowhere else to go
Brian and I got back together
I still wanted to leave.
I stayed for Adam
Brian and I broke up
I'm here because it's pointless to leave now, and because it's too hard to readjust myself, and I see Adam so rarely during the school day on Tuesdays and Thursdays that I can't imagine how hard it'd be to not be anywhere near him all day long.
I am so sleepy. Sleepy like woah.
I'm waiting for my mother to call. In the unlikely event that she does, I will be shocked, amazed and surprised.
She always forgets to call.
Just when you think you can get used to something, it all changes again. I'm still on Ohio time, that I hadn't gotten adjusted to till Saturday night. Fuckit. When I left ABQ I still hadn't adjusted myself to daylight savings time. (Fucking farmers. Ew.) And now I'm just like "fuck it."
Ohio was fun, but I wish that it hadn't have been so cold. I did miss Adam and my lunch crew very much, but Kira was a total blast, and so was Mitch. The girls (Emily, Nora, Ness, and Luna.) were all totally hardcore cool, even if I did get an estrogen overdose. I actually had fun with the guys too. I hung out with Phil and Naylor mostly, but Tim and Mando were cool too.
Brian was, well, Brian. The Brian that exists now anyway, whatever it is that I am calling that person now. But it was nice to have some fun together, even if I don't think we actually ever looked eachother in the eye.
Sometimes I wonder if it even happened at all. Sometimes, if I think about it too hard and too long, I forget what it was like to be the other half of something so controversial, and yet, so... consistent. It felt like the earth stopped spinning when we broke up. Not my earth, but the earth as a whole. Everybody stopped fucking eachother and watched our drama unfold. And that's why it's so hard to look eachother in the eye.
I'm upset with him for deleting his journal, because I want this to be friends only, but I want him to read it, because I know he knows what I'm talking about, and I know it would make sense to him.
It's so cold. My hands and fingers are numb. So are my feet. Why am I so cold. I'm pale too.
I'm angry. Not bitchy. Bitchiness takes up too much time and energy, and I really don't have any of that anymore. But I am angry. Angsty, more like it. I just want to have some huge, dramatic moment, and have an epitome and never have to worry about anything again.
Ohio was fun. School was not.
I guess that's the point of this entry.
My back hurts so badly I think it's going to explode. Everytime somebody's touched it today or yesterday I wanted to start crying. It litterally felt like somebody was hammering nails into my muscles. So painful.
My head hurts. It really is almost a migraine now.