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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2003|12:39 am]
jessi
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that you have in common with me.
3. Whatever you don't bold, replace with things about you.

I stole this from ghett0blaster, and sorta from eshianasdiana's journal, because they both have it.Collapse )
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Yay for cross-posting! [Nov. 17th, 2003|04:53 pm]
jessi
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Weezer- Dope Nose]

My head hurts so badly. But, I've been trying to sleep for almost an hour, and it's not working! It's going to be a migraine, in about an hour, I can tell, but my mom is insisting that I take my sisters and brother to see Brother Bear, even though I really had no desire whatsoever to see that moive.

Just when you think life is getting better, you get a migraine and are subjected to 2 hours of Disney.
Yuck.

In anycase, I'm not bitchy anymore, really. Antisocial and depressed, yes, but not bitchy. It took too much energy.
Brian deleted his journal. I wonder why. I forgot to ask him about it today, but I doubt I would have had I remembered. Just because we got along pretty well in Ohio doesn't mean things are gonna be peachy fucking keen here at home right away. Although I didn't expect that we'd kill eachother, I didn't expect that I'd be giving him a ride home from the airport either, even if I did offer.
I guess people can surprise you.

I'm sick of being a senior. I don't want to grow up. I wish sometimes that I was a junior, or even a sophmore again. Life wasn't easier, really, but it was simpler. My problems weren't major, and I had time to fix my mistakes. But no, I'm slowly realising, for the third time this year, that I am probably not going to graduate.
Oh well. More fun at lunch next year, right?

In anycase, today I really missed Alistair. It was the perfect kind of day to talk to him, but he's gone now. He's on the other side of the NE heights.
So painfully far away, when you think about it.

Max is sitting in my lap. He's so cute. He missed me. So did Juliet. They are acting all cuddly and wonderful and icky.
Tomorrow they'll be mad at me for leaving and won't come anywhere near me.
School is boring. I really wonder sometimes why I've stayed at all. I came to the following conclusions about why exactly I am still in high school.

I came for Will
I stayed for Joey
Joey left.
I stayed for Brian
Brian and I broke up
I stayed because I had nowhere else to go
Brian and I got back together
I still wanted to leave.
Adam came.
I stayed for Adam
Brian and I broke up
I'm here because it's pointless to leave now, and because it's too hard to readjust myself, and I see Adam so rarely during the school day on Tuesdays and Thursdays that I can't imagine how hard it'd be to not be anywhere near him all day long.

I am so sleepy. Sleepy like woah.

I'm waiting for my mother to call. In the unlikely event that she does, I will be shocked, amazed and surprised.
She always forgets to call.
Just when you think you can get used to something, it all changes again. I'm still on Ohio time, that I hadn't gotten adjusted to till Saturday night. Fuckit. When I left ABQ I still hadn't adjusted myself to daylight savings time. (Fucking farmers. Ew.) And now I'm just like "fuck it."

Ohio was fun, but I wish that it hadn't have been so cold. I did miss Adam and my lunch crew very much, but Kira was a total blast, and so was Mitch. The girls (Emily, Nora, Ness, and Luna.) were all totally hardcore cool, even if I did get an estrogen overdose. I actually had fun with the guys too. I hung out with Phil and Naylor mostly, but Tim and Mando were cool too.
Brian was, well, Brian. The Brian that exists now anyway, whatever it is that I am calling that person now. But it was nice to have some fun together, even if I don't think we actually ever looked eachother in the eye.

Sometimes I wonder if it even happened at all. Sometimes, if I think about it too hard and too long, I forget what it was like to be the other half of something so controversial, and yet, so... consistent. It felt like the earth stopped spinning when we broke up. Not my earth, but the earth as a whole. Everybody stopped fucking eachother and watched our drama unfold. And that's why it's so hard to look eachother in the eye.
I'm upset with him for deleting his journal, because I want this to be friends only, but I want him to read it, because I know he knows what I'm talking about, and I know it would make sense to him.

It's so cold. My hands and fingers are numb. So are my feet. Why am I so cold. I'm pale too.

I'm angry. Not bitchy. Bitchiness takes up too much time and energy, and I really don't have any of that anymore. But I am angry. Angsty, more like it. I just want to have some huge, dramatic moment, and have an epitome and never have to worry about anything again.

Ohio was fun. School was not.

I guess that's the point of this entry.

My back hurts so badly I think it's going to explode. Everytime somebody's touched it today or yesterday I wanted to start crying. It litterally felt like somebody was hammering nails into my muscles. So painful.
My head hurts. It really is almost a migraine now.
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(no subject) [Nov. 4th, 2003|11:09 pm]
jessi
[mood |drunkdrunk]

It has come to my attention that I don't like Drama Queens, other than the ones I do like.

Thank you Heather.

I don't update here enough, and some of you don't have DJ accounts so you can't really read my journal there since it's *mostly* friends only.
Suckfest.

I bought myself a present! I'm such an American, and it's sick.
I'd like to take this time and give mad props to Drea, because she was telling me about her summer today in Vashti's class, and I can honestly say that I would have killed myself.
Next time you go do something like that, I'll send you care packages with space-ice cream! Yum!


I bought the next book in a series I like. But I won't tell which, because you'll laugh at me. (No, the book does not count as the present I bought myself. Nor do the 10 new neon Sharpies, or the pretty picture frame. Those were yesterday's presents! Silly.

Not sure what kind of mood I'm in. A little nostalgic, a little sick, a little happy, mostly hyper, mostly lonely, all the way confused.
So what kitty do we pick for tonight?
You're right. You're always right. We'll use drunk, because that one's funny.
It's kind of a death wish I have for myself tonight.


(Oh yes, and another Drea reference, I am sorry to hear about you SB hoodie! That sucks a brass monkey's left nut. I know how much it sucks to wait for things, and then not to have them come on time! I say kill the system, rob the warehouse, and get me one too!)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd..........

goodnight
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(no subject) [Oct. 16th, 2003|09:47 am]
jessi
Boys are stupid and annoying.
Except for you, Adam.


Why am I not updating here regularly like I said I would? Force of habit I guess. I read everybody's entries though, every day.

I don't get my lj comments emailed to me, but I do for my gj and my dj.

Whenever I write in this journal my grammar, spelling and punctuation are shot to hell. Force of habit, I guess. I've had this journal for 3 years now. Since before you needed a code to get one. I never wrote in it, but then started to about a year ago. The only person who read it then was Ryan, and sometimes Adam. But that was an actual journal. I said what I really wanted to say.
Now all my online journals are just like extended chatrooms with my friends, updating about my day. I don't talk about my "feelings" anymore.
How sad.

I don't have feelngs anymore. That's what I've decided. I'm like a Vampire or something.

DREA! JENNA! AOC plans have been CHANGED due to poor schedualing on my part. The only available shot is tonight at 9:40 (at Madstone.) If you can come, talk to Adam, (Who's not entirely sure if HE can come...) or call me. Okay? Okay!

So far, for sure, it's me, Heather, and Alistair.
As Heather called it, it's a Renunion! yay!

Now I am off to get dressed so that I can go to work. I don't want to go to work.
Dammit.


I hate boys, as romantical entities.
Except for you, Adam. You don't count as a romantical entitie, because you make me happy.
The rest of you can go fuck yourselves, and stop making me feel like shit.
*ahem*
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(no subject) [Sep. 29th, 2003|10:42 pm]
jessi
<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">how much per hour</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$89.5</td></tr>
How much does your hooker ass cost? by tictactoawhale
Created with quill18's MemeGen!


Thank god I don't have a pimp....
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Shiny things distract me... [Sep. 26th, 2003|11:52 pm]
jessi
Jesus all of a sudden I'm popular!

I get on, and all of a sudden like... 4 people have added me to their friends list! I feel so special!

I have to work on making this journal pretty. Pretty like shiny things. Like PAPER CLIPS! And safety pins!!


My deadjournal is very pretty. Y'all should wander over there and check it out. To the mizzax.

Uh...
I steal sugar packets! :)
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2003|10:42 pm]
jessi
I think I will start using this one again. For a while.

I dunno. just felt like mixing things up a bit.
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There has been a slight change... [May. 16th, 2003|02:05 pm]
jessi
Okay, so i've been meaning to do it for a while, but that while turned into like 2 years and i got lazy. I have a NEW deadjournal! (What? you may ask? Jessi had a deadjournal? Yes, I did but about 3 days after opening it i forgot my username... helped. REALLY)

So i don't think that i will be using this anymore... and if i do, it won't be as much .


NEW PLACE TO HEAR JESSI WHINE!!!!
www.deadjournal.com/users/BondageKitten13


Okay?
okay
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No trenchcoat big enough..... [May. 14th, 2003|07:27 pm]
jessi
[mood |gloomygloomy]

My veins want to pop.
I can see that the longer I wait to free my soul from the shell, the more I am going to boil in a body meant for a wicked human being.
My hands have minds of their own.
I didn't realise I was reaching for that end
But it came to me.
So willingly.
It soothed me, and told me not to cry.
And I believed it's lies.
I waited for it to love me.
I decided I could love if it would help me.
But it never returned to take care of me
The warmth under my skin is dying.
It's fading in an icy cool symphonic measure
I'm painting a piecy picture, of something I have never seen.
I have taken a chunk of history out of my hand, and I continue to write with the blood.
I have proven myself worthy of insanity.
I am not trying to subdue the erotica that takes shape in the form of self harm
Suicide is sexy.
Appealing
Forbidden
Unthinkable
Selfish
Tomorrow
I can't help but smile to my self a little bit.
I know something that you don't.
Forgive me mother
Forgive me father
I am killing my self slowly,
With safety pins and punk rock
I am wasting away inside a sketchbook,
Confined to the surface of a CD
I am addicted to my self
I am drowning in inside jokes, self pity, and Kevin Smith movies
Define me with black eyeliner and a push up bra 3 sizes too small.
I want nothing more than to free my blood from my veins
They buldge with pressure and heat
I want to be free
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*sigh* [May. 11th, 2003|08:01 pm]
jessi
[mood |artisticartistic]
[music |The Donnas- Please Don't Tease]

Soooo
Many
Cute
Boys



I actually wrote a poem about it while I was admiring one at Baskin Robins.

It's bad.
But I don't care.


"Go ahead"


Go ahead
Play that game.
I know the rules just as well as you.
I am well aware of the fact that I am wearing a belly shirt.
I am well aware of the fact that I am exuding some sort of sexual vibe.
I planned that.
And I can tell that you are looking at me.
And that's why my scoop of ice cream is so much bigger than everybody elses.
I know just how I should move my body.
I know just wear to let my hands and eyes linger to catch you

But what you don't know, is I will win this game.
I will pull you in, and make you want me.
I will pretend to lose my self in your tan and your eyes and your car and tatoos
But I am the real winner.
I know just how to smile.
Just how to talk.
I know just what a 17 year old male ego needs.
So ask me for my number, and I will smile graciously.
And then I will tell you that I have a boyfriend.
Would you like to see a picture?
I will think to my self about how he plays guitar with such detirmination it's hard not to laugh at his adorable face.
I will think to my self how he laughs at the dumb jokes I make, and how I play this game with him too.
Only,
he scores in the end.

Cute boys.
They're so much fun to play with.
It's a pity when you have to let them down.

I think I'm going to go paint...
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